Chapter one
“Oh my God, what is wrong with me? “ I ask myself as tears keep flowing from my eyes. It is my fifth break up in what seems to be a short space of time. I like to refer to myself as the Mighty Nacha because truthfully break ups never really get to me, I’d move on to the next relationship in no time but my fifth break up in particular really has me panicking and feeling less of myself. I can’t help but wonder how I got myself into such a mess, why I allowed myself to fall helplessly in love despite all my friends warning me against it. I guess if you meet the one that you can see a future with, one you’re willing to grow old with and spend the rest of your life loving him, you can’t help but fall helplessly in love.
It all happened early this morning when I had resolved I was going to tell Jackson about how much I didn’t like how he had been treating me for the past thirty days, my boyfriend now ex had changed so much I just couldn’t seem to understand him anymore, he valued the company of his friends more than mine well not that he wasn’t allowed to love his friends but I just used to love how he’d balance sharing his time between his friends and I. I missed him, I wanted him around all day, not in the clingy type though but I guess I just missed how things were before he became so distant to the point where it didn’t matter whether he replied my text messages or not. Worse still, how he’d act so busy when I called him, making me feel like I was being a drawback to whatever it is he was doing.
So this morning, I gathered up the courage to have “the talk” with him, even though my best friend Nora had advised against it. Nora has a really soft spot for Jackson; she’d always find a way to rationalize whatever he did wrong. I like the fact that my two favorite people in the world would get along so perfectly but not to the extent of where it clouds my best friend’s ability to see when I am hurting.
“Yes Nacha “Jackson said the moment he had picked up my call in a tone I couldn’t quite fathom, I wondered if he was just being cold or he was just plain busy. My heart kept racing like I was about to have a conversation with a completely different person one who was not even my boyfriend. So in that very moment I managed to hear myself utter the words, “Hi baby, would you spare some minutes to have a talk with me?” trying my best to sound nonchalant. But his response was one that I couldn’t quite understand up-to this point, “Listen Nacha, I know exactly what you want us to talk about and you’re right, I have changed over the past few weeks, but I want you to understand it has nothing to do with you, I’m just not in the right space of mind so I just need some time to find myself, I need a break from you right now, I mean don’t call me and don’t even text me. Do you think you can do that for me? “
“What do you mean you need to find yourself? What exactly have you been doing for the past twenty five years of your life? “I asked as the tone of my voice kept sounding shaky.
“I just need a break from you Nacha, I’ve already decided on that and I don’t think there’s anything you can say or do to change that “Jackson said with his voice sounding even angrier.
“Well do you love me? “ I asked feeling very silly yet so sorry for myself.
“No” he said, without taking a second to think about the gravity of the question I had just asked him.
“Jackson Curt Mvula, are you breaking up with me?” I asked using his full names with a ray of hope that he might reconsider and realize how much I mean to him.
“Yes” he answered as quickly as he had hung up on me without waiting to hear my response.
I can’t quite describe how I felt the moment my mind registered what had happened, was it a feeling of relief from all the stress Jackson had put me through in the past four weeks or was it the melancholy of losing my boyfriend of ten months. I didn’t even realize how I had left my comfortable bed to find myself weeping uncontrollably on the cold floor of my room wondering how we had gotten to that point , I mean Jackson and I were so in love I honestly didn’t see this day coming. I tried to stay strong but couldn’t help but break down the more.
So tonight I’m wondering what’s wrong with me because in my head I thought I had done my best to be the best girlfriend to Jackson but I guess my best wasn’t good enough. I haven’t been able to move myself back into my bed so I’ve been on this cold floor whose temperature I’ve found myself adapting to since morning, I can feel my heart racing as I think about all the good times I had with Jackson, how he was so outgoing and would take every chance to take me to the best places in town and how he’d joke about me being a foodie but still eat as much as I did, I loved how he’d fit so perfectly in my imperfections, I thought Jackson was the one, maybe that’s why I ignored all the red flags from the onset of our relationship, like how he’d always wait for me to make the first move toward our reconciliation regardless who was wrong or how he’d wait for me to ask him for help even when it was pretty much clear that I needed it. All this in the name of accepting a man and his flaws but when I think of how he’d mistreat me psychologically, with indirect insults to my emotions I can’t help but feel I wasn’t accepting his flaws, I was rather accepting his bullsh*t.
A few minutes after midnight, I realize I’m still lying on the floor and still struggling to sleep when I hear the kitchen door open and close and footsteps towards my room. I know its Nora, we’ve been staying together for a year now and she’s not one to keep late nights unless on special occasions, today was special for her. Well I didn’t really tell her about my break up with Jackson because I didn’t want to disturb her day at work and mostly because I didn’t want to ruin her after work date with Geo or Geo with a G as I fondly call him. Geo has been out of town for the past two weeks and only arrived this afternoon and insisted he had to see Nora tonight.
Nora walks into my dark room and whispers if she can switch on the light, she’s clearly thinking I’m sleeping because she apologizes for disturbing my wonderful night before she turns to me, her mouth is wide open as that of someone who has just seen a ghost she’s obviously surprised to see me in this state. She left before I woke up this morning, I notice she’s wearing a dark blue short dress with Crystal earrings and black with blue bottom heels while holding a big black handbag with one hand and struggling to close her mouth with the other which gives me a nostalgic feeling as dark blue is my mum’s favorite color.
“Nacha what’s wrong? Did you have an argument with Jackson? Did something happen at home or is it something at work? Nacha please talk to me. “She utters every word without giving me a chance to respond, until finally I let out the words, “Jay broke up with me.” Nora looks at me as if to say something really sympathetic but only asks, “Is that even possible?” I look at her with a look that asks, are you seriously asking me this right now? When she gets back to her senses she tells me how sorry she is and asks why I couldn’t tell her what happened because it’s clear I’ve been crying for quite a long time. Nora convinces me to call Jackson and when I try to call him and not go through, I realize at that very moment that he blocked my line and did the same to all my social media accounts. I begin to cry uncontrollably all over again thinking and concluding it’s really over between us only this time I’m glad I’m with Nora as she holds me tightly.
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